Quotes taken from actual (U.S.) Federal Employee Performance Evaluations
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
6. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
12. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a sign post.”
17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
24. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
26. “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d receive change.”
27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
28. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.”
31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60 Minutes’.”
32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
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I do not believe any of these came from actual federal employee appraisals. All appraisals of employee’s must be shared with the employee. Many of these comments are grossly unfair and inappropriate, and some could actually lead to discipline against the supervisor. These are just made up funny comments. If a supervisor said anything like this about any employee I’ve ever had, that supervisor would be in a lot of trouble. Maybe this is how private industry treats their employees, but this is way below the standards set in the US Federal Government.